Most of us will spend some time over the holidays with our families. Some of us are looking forward to this with great joy. Others of us are just hoping to endure.

I wanted to give some pastoral guidance for those for whom “spending time with family over the holidays” is difficult. Of course, this is by no means exhaustive, but I hope it is helpful.

Focus on What Is Good. In Philippians 4, Paul gives us gospel-driven parameters for how we should live in community with one another. He tells us to find those things in one another that are “honorable”, “pure” and “lovely”. We are to dwell on these things. Granted, he was writing to a Christian congregation, but I think these words should be applied to how we deal with everyone--including those in our extended families.

So don’t stew on the things your mom does that drive you crazy. Viewing others primarily through their weaknesses is a way of relating that erodes community. Instead, purposefully embrace and celebrate that which is good in your family. This doesn’t mean you are being shallow or phony. Rather, it means you are trying to honor God’s image in those around you.

Resist Utopian Expectations. There is a tremendous amount of cultural pressure for this to be “the most wonderful time of the year”. We’re surrounded with images of family, togetherness and warmth that can be oppressive.

To be a Christian means there will be a day when your experience will actually exceed the paradise depicted in Christmas songs, movies and commercials. But that day is when Christ returns and wipes away every tear. Until then, we must live in the tension of the “Already-Not Yet.”

By all means, a good family life is a great gift from God. However, there is nothing in the Bible that comes close to giving us the idea that our families will be healthy and strong. So rejoice when and where you can. But do not saddle yourself or those around you with expectations of an out of body experience of joy on or around December 25th.

Draw Lines Where Necessary. All of our family members are flawed. A few, however, can be downright harmful. In these situations, we should be prepared to establish and maintain some clear boundaries.

To be honest, I think my generation sometimes establishes boundaries for self-centered reasons. We just don’t want to bother with certain people, so we can cloak our dismissal of them with talk of “healthy self-care.” So be wary of being too trigger happy here.

However, there are certainly people that require limits. For example, I have friends whose parents sexually abused them, and nobody in the family has ever acknowledged this truth. Everyone just pretends like things are fine. Boundaries in a situation like this are absolutely necessary. It is one way that we are to be “wise as serpents and innocent as doves” as we live in the world.

Determining "rules of engagement" in situations like these requires a lot of wisdom, courage, counsel and prayer. Get trusted Christian mentors, pastors and friends to help you with this.

Remember the Gospel. Christ came into the world to save sinners. Your family is full of them. You are one of them too. God loves you and will see you through this. Family difficulties, even family sins, do not negate the power of the gospel.

I like watching Modern Family. Last year, I was convinced it was one of the best shows on television. Although the writing has slipped a little this year, it is still worth seeing.

One of the things I like about the show is that it gives a pretty consistent picture of what grace in community can look like. Every week, there is generally a resolution that involves the extension of forgiveness and the embrace of others. What makes this embrace beautiful is that it is a movement towards those who are not only different—they are also far from perfect.

The show’s characters are all clichés. There is the goofy dad who tries too hard to be cool, the harried and under-appreciated mom, the gay couple complete with theater allusions, and the aging Baby Boomer with his trophy wife—a Colombian woman half his age.

The characters are also incredibly imperfect people. Through a combination of their idiosyncrasies, poor decisions and garden-variety narcissism, the characters create various crises and relational problems.

But by the end of each episode, there is a real embrace of one another.  And this embrace goes beyond mere tolerance. Genuine joy is found through relationships with each other. I know, not everyone is crazy about the standard voiceovers at the end. But you can still appreciate the redemptive movement toward one another that is being played out consistently.

This is a great glimpse of the gospel. We are people who need grace. We actually are, at times, defined by some of the clichés we so often resist: the angry dad, the sullen teenager or the rudderless 20-something. We need grace to be accepted by God. We also need grace to be accepted by others. And grace goes beyond mere tolerance.  It crosses over into the territory of delight and joy.

I am currently reading The Social Animal by New York Times Op-Ed columnist David Brooks. Tracing the fictional lives of characters Harold and Erica, Brooks draws on scientific findings to answer the question of how human beings flourish.

Last night I was reading about why Harold and Erica had a difficult marriage. Renowned therapist John Gottman suggests that a clear sign of a healthy marriage is that in communication, for every negative comment a spouse makes 5 positive comments.

I have never done the research myself, but I totally buy into Gottman’s conclusion. Those are wise words of advice for any relationship. Words have power. They shape our sense of self. They can make us feel invincible or the lowest scum on earth. Words also create. If I tend to say more negative things than positive, I create an atmosphere of death and not life. No marriage or any relationship flourishes in an atmosphere of death.

I was sobered last night. It was good to be reminded of my capacity to hurt others (especially my wife) by my words. However, Harold and Erica’s rocky marriage was not a result a critical attitude but rather a lack of words. They didn’t verbally interact with each other.

Life is busy and difficult. A day can go by without realizing it. So, it is hard to see those we love and it is even harder to intentionally say nice and life-giving things.  The author of Proverbs 16:24 writes the following:

Gracious words are like honeycomb,
sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

It is not enough to avoid negative comments. For words to be honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the body, you have say them.

(Note: Today's post is by Gabriel St. John)

You may have recently heard on the Grace Seattle grapevine whisperings of a new Artists and Writers Guild. If this is the case, then I’m most delighted you already know something about it, but I’d like to take this opportunity to give a definite and audible voice to those hushed mutterings. And if this isn’t the case, then I’d love to introduce you to this very nascent and exciting project. Below are some questions about the Guild you may have; questions I have attempted to answer, almost all I have asked myself at one point or another.

First and foremost, what on earth is this Artists and Writers Guild? It is a group of artists and writers of all kinds – painters, sculptors, sketchers, poets, music composers, song writers, you name it. I suppose you could call it an umbrella of “artistically-minded” people.

What’s the deal, then, with this Guild, and what does it have to do with Grace? It’s a very good question. The deal is this: we want to use this year’s worship emphasis on the Gospel of John to inspire members of the congregation to work creatively and to produce works that will reflect and encourage devotion on what we as individuals and as a church are learning. We also want community and fellowship to be a vital part of the Guild, and so on the third Thursday of each month there will be a working-soiree hosted at the MacDonalds', which will be an opportunity to come together to share ideas, to work on projects, to inspire each other, and perhaps even to work collaboratively or inter-disciplinarily.

It sounds awfully pretentious, if not a little intimidating – what gives? These are fair concerns, but please understand, this is not going to be an elitist clique; no one is claiming to be Michelangelo or Ezra Pound. Our intention is to mirror the simultaneously profound and humble sentiments of the apostle John himself when he wrote of his Gospel, “But these things are written so that you may come to believe that Jesus is the Messiah” (John 20:31). In the same way, we want the things that are written, painted, drawn (etc.) for this project to point not to our own selves, but to our Creator. That may sound cliché or cheesy, but it’s nonetheless very true.

So are we working towards something, or this an indefinite thing? There is certainly a time frame: the duration of our congregational emphasis on John's Gospel (September-June). Being early days, though, what we are working towards is still somewhat fluid, and there is plenty of space for ideas and suggestions. Some already thrown out are: an open-house art exhibit, incorporating some of the items onto the Order of Worship covers, and a self-published book of poems.

OK, but what if I’m not “artistically-minded?” The answer to that question should be, "Are you sure you’re not?" And here is another aim of the project: to draw out and encourage the creative side of your character, whether it’s a side of you that you know you possess but are apprehensive or embarrassed to reveal, or whether it’s a side of you that you don’t yet know exists. And if you truly feel you have nothing to offer artistically, then support us. We want the church behind us, we want people to be interested, we need that encouragement; it’s a part of the community and the fellowship we seek. So I’d encourage you – all of you, “artistically-minded” or not – to come to the working-soirees, come to the events we may (or may not) organize. Hang out with us. Be a part of it.

Below is a video clip to give you a taste of what the Guild has been up to.

I remember being told to never swim alone and understandably so. Swimming puts you in a vulnerable position (not to mention most things are just more fun when enjoyed with other people). In any case, no matter how competent, talented or able you are, things out of your control can happen when dealing with water and, as a result, an uneventful situation can turn quickly dire.

The Christian life is very similar to swimming. We should not go about it alone. Everyday life puts us in a vulnerable position and we need people around us to support and encourage us. At Grace Seattle we express this commitment through Community Groups. Community Groups are places of care and community where we live the Christian life together.

Community Groups certainly provide a context for doing Christian things like worshipping God, praying, and discussing the Bible. Nonetheless, I think the real strength of these groups are the relationships built and experienced. Last spring, we experienced this first hand. Our son had health issues resulting in many doctor appointments and a couple of extended hospital stays. It is hard enough to maintain life when there are no major complications. But throw in some unforeseen difficulties, one has to fight to keep their head above weather. In that place, our Community Group showed up. They called us. They prayed for us. On more than one occasion they cleaned our house. They made countless meals. We weren’t alone and were extremely thankful and regularly empowered.

This being said, Community Groups don’t simply exist in order to show up in the midst of our tragedies and difficulties. They are a place where we live the Christian life together, not in some theoretical way but really and truly. They are a place where we give ourselves to rhythms and practices that cultivate faithful Christian living. They are a place where we can concretely love and serve others.

Because of what Community Groups are, we desire everyone at Grace Seattle to participate. However, given our other commitments, it can be very difficult to find the time to join a group. Knowing this, we've made a few changes to the ministry structure such that now, more than ever, these groups better accommodate the rhythms and needs of our actual life. For example, we are now encouraging longevity instead of multiplication. In the past, we asked our Community Groups to get to a place where they could become two separate groups instead of one. We emphasized this in an effort to love and serve our neighbors (i.e. groups growing leads to multiplication which leads to more groups which translates in more people being connected). At the end of the day, our stressing multiplication led to burnout, relational fragmentation, and instability. As a result, we decided to stress group longevity over multiplication while still pursuing hospitality (especially to the outsider). Of course this change will present it’s own challenges but our hope and prayer is that this modification will better accommodate the rhythms and needs of our actual life.

In the coming weeks, I will be writing more about these changes and our vision for this ministry.