We’ve all had them. Strange encounters that leave us asking, “What just happened?” A friend of mine told me of one he recently had while waiting for an appointment at coffee shop.

Sitting at a table reading the Daily Office (essentially a Christian devotional developed by the Anglican Church) on his computer, a woman came up to him and asked what he was reading. After telling her, she informed him that she was also a Christian.  Curious, the woman eventually asked what happened to his arm. Now, what you need to know is that my friend had cancer at the age of 12 and lost his arm. Not just a little bit of it but all of it. Shoulder, down. You also need to know that he’s not happy that he lost his arm but he doesn’t think of it as suffering. It never crosses his mind.

Anyway, obviously endowed with boldness, she proceeds to say, without asking one question, that she feels my friend’s pain and asks if she could pray for him. Taking a look around the coffee shop and seeing that his appointment had not yet arrived, he thinks sure, why not. The woman then proceeds to pray God would heal his inner pain and that his arm would grow back.

I am not trying to make fun of the woman or suggest that God can’t grow back an amputated arm. I believe, along with my friend, this woman was well meaning. However, I think this story demonstrates how compassion can go awry.

Compassion is a gift from God and to the world. It is what moves us toward brokenness and prompts us to ask questions like, “What happened?” and “How can I help bring healing and peace?” But a key component to compassion is that it’s to be other-focused as opposed to self-focused and, when it’s not, love is lost.

Let me explain.

Self-focused compassion is all about satisfying self – one’s ambitions, feeling of purpose, and satisfaction.  These are often good byproducts of a life of compassion, but must never be the ultimate ends. On the other hand, other-focused compassion is all about others receiving love and peace and – albeit in part – healing and restoration.

Self-focused compassion, however well intentioned, is often dehumanizing. It fails to enter into another’s story and ask, “What do you need?” If this lady had done this, she would have quickly realized a million better things for which pray on my friend’s behalf. But she didn’t. All she saw was a man who didn’t have an arm. This obviously moved her, which is beautiful, but what happened next had little to do with my friend.

I often fall into the same camp as this woman. I am often moved to internal pain if I see visible effects of a broken world on another. This story is a reminder to me that if I feel compassion, it is wise to test what kind. Other-focused compassion leads to dignity not condescending pity.  Other-focused compassion lifts up the brokenhearted, but pity highlights the shame of the brokenness. Self-focused compassion can make others feel pretty stupid or, in my friend’s case, be the cause of a good laugh.